I’ve been thinking about love a lot lately. Mainly because I’ve decided to become a Jane Austen fan, and her books are all about romance. Also because I always think about love a lot, in many, many forms. Like I went to the ONE OK ROCK concert in Atlanta, and I had to take the MARTA, or I wanted to, so I could go alone instead of dragging someone who doesn’t care about the band with me. It was overwhelming. When my dad dropped me off at the station he asked if I needed help with the machine. I said no. But a few minutes later, I was STRUGGLING to put my credit card into the machine the right way. So I panicked and used cash and now I have 13 one-dollar coins. Two of them have Sacagawea and her baby.
Anyway, I didn’t even need to panic. It took 25 minutes for the train to start moving. And then walking, trying to navigate with the wonky GPS was also an ordeal. I got there 15 minutes before opening and the line to get in was SO LONG. I’ve never had to plan this out on my own before. I’m not good at planning. I’m not even being mean to myself, it’s just true. I am good at doing my hair, though. Another Black girl at the concert complimented my hair after it ended!! and I loved their hair too. Which honestly… I’m so nervous about people seeing me when I go out, but once I’m out-they see me as a Black woman. Which means they don’t see me at all. I feel strange if I don’t observe everyone. I feel strange ignoring people. Others seem to do it so naturally. Noting details in the environment and in people grounds me, keeps me from freezing with anxiety.
I feel so much love for humanity as a whole. But I still want someone I feel all sparkly about to hold me. I think music is the closest I can get to that. For now. And ONE OK ROCK was amazing!! They had so much energy. It made me feel like a little old lady to see them jumping around on stage, but I’m glad I bought a seat on the balcony instead standing. I’m also glad I wore earplugs. I bought these fancy ones called Loops and they are cute, reusable, and pastel. They blocked out so much noise from the crowd, almost too much, but that’s better than not enough.
I would have gotten lost on the way back to the MARTA station too, but I met someone named Lucia to walk back with. She had a Princess Mononoke tattoo-always a good sign. We sat next to each other on the train, though we were pretty tired from the concert. Our interaction reassured me. I too am human. I’m visible. I can interact with people, even if I’m stilted and awkward, and have countless useless thoughts swirling around. It’s ok. I’m not missing a key piece to humanness that only someone else can deliver me. Sometimes you cross paths with someone kind and let it be.
infinite love and peace-
Tulani Kiara
I am officially a Jane Austen fan!! I’ve been reading her novels lately-so Sense and Sensibility and Pride and Prejudice. This week I sped through two seasons of Sanditon, a TV series based on Austen’s unfinished novel-THAT HAS A CARIBBEAN BLACK WOMAN AS A MAIN CHARACTER!! I know it’s TV, so the main characters’ romances can’t go well if they want new romances for the new seasons, but damn. These young ladies are going through it. I must say, season two has a cute Irish man…and honestly he was the only one I found attractive.
Also just finished Jennette McCurdy’s I’m Glad My Mom Died. It was strange to see how fake the media I grew up with was, but it’s also a relief. Trauma is trauma is trauma. The book made my heart ache and made me cry. I listened to the audiobook on Libby (support your local library!!) and I’m glad Jennette read it herself. I’m glad she spelled out how she healed and how long it’s taking. Idk about therapy for me, but I do acknowledge its value. No one seems to understand me and I just end up nodding along because I’m too tired to explain my perspective. I write. It’s easier than humoring confused people.
I’m halfway through Heartbreak High, a teen Netflix series. I found out yesterday that 1. It’s a reboot and 2. Malakai is Gamilaraay (Aboriginal people). I am very excited about the second thing. There’s an autistic girl!! And a nonbinary character!!! And the soundtrack has so many bops. I love being asocial and also romance-obsessed. It’s funny; one of my main reasons for dating in college was having experiences to draw from for my fiction. Maybe that’s TMI. But it kinda worked out, because I do feel more prepared to explore writing about love in new ways. Creating new romantic paradigms. Hopefully, I’ll have something to share soon!