on growing up newsletter
I was one of those kids who thought I was an adult because I could follow instructions. and now I just feel like a child. I’ve been wanting to write an update since July 20th…right after my sister and I went to the banks concert. I brought the tiniest teddy bear head bag with me per venue rules. it’s raining right now, and thundering, and I’m sleepy and energized somehow. anyway, for the last week of July my head was full of my application for the Walter Grant by We Need Diverse Books, which I drew and color 5 tarot cards for and which I almost didn’t get to turn in due to the application closing a day earlier. they opened it again after being alerted.
wow the thunder is loud today. when it’s rainy with no thunder I like to go outside and get rained on…looks like that might not happen today. I’ve been putting off taking usable portfolio pictures of the art I brought home from college. I took everything out of the folder thingy and now it’s been on the living room floor for a month. some of it is covered in cat hair. whoever said the first step is the hardest…I don’t trust them. I know I will get it done, but I wonder what’s stopping me. I’ve always had trouble finishing projects that weren’t for other people. on some level, it’s sweet that I make art to connect and communicate, on another it shows how much perfectionism has affected the way I create.
and yes. I am yet another one of those traumatized gifted kids who got used to being praised when I was four and never recovered a sense of self. I liked being praised, and following the rules was easy for me. I didn’t know why other kids were so disruptive. then we got older, and it wasn’t good to be quiet anymore. class discussion became mandatory in lit class and I died inside. still, I did my work. I imagined adulthood as different from secondary school, less painful, less lonely. now I’m an adult and I’m the same person. I am learning. I didn’t know then that even though most other kids acquired social skills naturally, I did not. I would have to practice talking if I wanted to attempt normalcy. I did not practice talking.
I know middle school me was in a lot of pain from isolating myself, but I think it’s kinda funny how I didn’t even try to blend in. I just suffered in silence. and now I’ve waded through all the lies I told myself about how I was broken and how no one liked me to find out that I like myself. I like solitude. I like people. and I love nonconformity. in the wise words of jughead from riverdale, I’m weird. I’m a weirdo. and i think that’s beautiful.
infinite love and peace…
Tulani Kiara <3
Extraordinary Woo Young Woo – she’s a lawyer!!! who’s autistic and super sweet! and discovering love for the first time. I’m halfway thru this drama and it makes me want to be in a workplace romance. I don’t even have a workplace yet!!! this drama is too powerful.
Under the Tuscan Sun - sometimes movies find you right when you need them and apparently I needed to see this one on August 1st. it has everything I love!! a writer who has to rebuild her life and finds herself BUYING A HOUSE in rustic Tuscany. she is best friends with none other than SANDRA OH, playing a pregnant lesbian!!! it’s so gay (by proxy (idk if I’m using this right, I don’t think it matters)) and romantic and magical and I cried, but it pretty easy to make me cry. anyway if u have letterboxd be my friend I’m twinkletoes21
Knittens - a match 3 game where you match yarn to collect it and make knitwear for your kitten avatar…enough said. I’ve been playing for 3 weeks now and I’m 400 levels in. I’ve never been 400 levels into anything before.