flashback coming soon because it took a whole week for me to finish this…
My road test is on Wednesday. Meaning I will either have my driver’s license this year…or sometime very soon next year. I CAN drive. Like I’ve done it before, and I can do it again. My conflict is in whether I trust myself to. There’s something terrifying about being in control. Generally, and while steering a giant metal hunk while staying alert for the other giant metal hunks. The stakes are too high. But I suppose if you think hard enough, anything in life is like that. Maybe I just think too hard about everything.
Anyway, I finally understand how my car is situated in space, at least more than I used to. I can pass. Hopefully soon.
…and we’re back!! I did not pass. C’est la vie.
I want to get outside and make friends. I was (in theory) waiting out the pandemic before making plans, but it doesn’t seem like the public health issues are lightening up any time soon. I’ll have to take risks and protect myself how I can. I can plan out my actions to make myself feel as secure as possible. And keep the people I am around safe too. Anyway, the last week has been Freezing, like 20 degrees freezing. It doesn’t help that my room is even chillier than the rest of the house. At least now my cat is sitting on me more often, even if it’s just for warmth. She is so cute!!
It’s almost the new year, meaning it’s been 2 years since I adopted Opal. She’s my bestie. I do want human besties now, tho. I’m grateful for all the friendships I have, but I’d like to have more than one local friend. I need reasons to go outside, like going to the library. I’m even considering a part-time job. I’ve been trying to get an internship or something paid in my desired field, but I resent having to make myself presentable for people I’ll never see. And I’m tired. There’s no way to know for sure, but it feels like I’m “too diverse.” The more rejections I face, the more confirmation I get that I’m too much and not enough for this world-at least the working world.
Or maybe entering a career is just hard, and my identity is just a difficulty multiplier. But yea, this ish is exhausting, especially when I know by so many standards I “should” be working by now. I’m not going to be enough for others, so I’m letting go of that. My life is mine to shape, and I’m creating what I can. There’s a home out there for me. I’m still hopeful.
….infinite love + peace… Tulani Kiara
Overthinking about you by Alison Raskin – just started reading this book about dating with anxiety, OCD, and/or depression. Hoping this will give me some tools for having human companionship. Love romance; might as well attempt it…soon.
Just Between Us Podcast (Alison Raskin and Gaby Dunn) – I’ve been listening to this A LOT lately, even thinking about writing in abt my current predicament. They have so many cool guests and I love the banter!! This is where I found out about the book.
Something from Tiffany’s (2022) – I love bread!!! Black queer women. Supportive Black father-daughter relationships. MISHAPS. Anyway, Gary is the worst.
may be using this newsletter to share comics in 2023. we’ll see how it works out.