on beginning (again)

in which i focus on the joy

It’s taken nearly a year to write some version of this newsletter, even though I’ve started it a few times.

It’s been a hard year.

I’ve only been in Seattle since October 2023 and I’m not social…well I’m not a social person when depressed. And I’ve been depressed most of my life. After experiencing happiness (that turned into mania) for a blip, it’s been hard for me to admit that I am depressed. I’ve been depressed for years. That’s why making art has been so hard. That’s why going out has been so hard. That’s why reaching out has been so hard.

I feel lighter now that I’ve admitted how much pain I’ve been in. I try not to dwell on it, so I don’t drown in sorrow, but avoiding dulls the joy too. I want to feel the joy. In fact, even though this year has tested me (to say the least), I want to dwell on the accomplishments and the love. So here are some highlights:

• I sat on a panel for the We Belong Anthology at San Diego Comic-Con! And got to visit my beautiful friend Ethan. The con itself made me a ball of anxiety, but it was validating to have a badge call me a professional in the comics industry. Speaking of, I updated my art website.

i submitted this comic to ambrosia zine in September and they accepted it!!

• I spent entirely too much money at Portland Zine Symposium!! Like way too much, like it was actually a symptom of mania and I didn’t realize it. But at the time I was joyful and social and magical. I did “Girl Put Your Records On” for karaoke at the afterparty!! My heart opened up for the first time in a long time; I hope it stays open.

• I went to the Massachusetts Independent Comics Expo last month! And saw so, so many people who I already know and love it was wild. Shoutout to Sam Szabo, a wonderful cartoonist I was not expecting to run into at all. And to the Wellesley Art Department Program Coordinator Samara Pearlstein and Professor David Teng Olsen. Also, thanks to Shaina Lu for letting me hang out behind her table <3 Special thanks to Jenn for letting me stay with her and see what kind of community is possible and Alexa for trading zines with me.

The last bit of joy is my 26^th birthday on January 14^th! Please send gifts if you can: kind thoughts, prayers, some of your time (text me) or some birthday money 👀👀👀 Seriously, please connect with me; I would love to hear from you. Yes YOU. This life is a gift and I’m grateful we get to experience it at the same time. Thank you for reading.

….infinite love + peace… Tulani Kiara

Firebird by Sunmi – I finished this book on the fourth of April and it temporarily cured my creative depression. Kim and Caroline are cute gay teens who meet through a school tutoring program and support each other through family difficulties. I’ve admired Sunmi’s work for years, so I’m happy to see them published.

Marbles by Ellen Forney – A kind friend gifted me this book while I was stuck in the psychiatric hospital. I’m glad I managed to make friends there and I’m glad family and friends called me while I was there. I’ve grateful to the ones who haven’t called me since I got out three months ago. I’m still processing everything, and it all makes me want to be alone forever, tho I know community is the answer.

Past Tense by Sacha Mardou – My mother recommended I read this book. It’s nice to see an example of therapy working. Mardou structured her narrative of healing from childhood family trauma in unfolding layers that evoked emotional responses for me. I needed this book. It made me think and definitely gave me some hope.